Tag Archives: luck

About last night…

In around thirteen hours, I’ll be heading off to hospital. It might be earlier, if things get worse, but I hope not.

Really, I should be in St Thomas’ A&E now, but there won’t a doctor there who will know what to do with me, and I really don’t want to spend another night in the Clinical Decisions unit. One night, three years ago, with an elderly man snoring louder than I thought was possible, and a heroin addict throwing tables around because he wanted Methadone, Dad awkwardly asleep in an upright chair, Mum curled up like a cat at the end of my trolley. No, not again.

So in about eight and a half hours, Mum will call the specialist nurse and tell her I need to be admitted. She will start the arduous task of securing a bed for me to collapse on to, and the Specialist Registrar of my Dermatologist will ask Microbiology which antibiotic needs to be pumped into my bloodstream, to force the infection out. I’ll be begging them for every pain killer I can have.

I feel like a failure. I’ve always had a sky high pain threshold, eschewing pain relief in favour of distracting myself. Music and a good book are my preferred methods. But I have never known pain like this, and even my strong opiate pain killers aren’t really helping. The fact that I’ve cried with the pain has been my parents’ indication of how much pain I’m in.

My right foot has myriad ulcerated wounds on it, and some are on areas that were already severely nerve-damaged. Imagine how an ulcer on your tongue feels… Now imagine that ulcer is four inches long… And it has siblings, all over you tongue, cheeks, roof of your mouth and gums… Now imagine someone is pouring vinegar over them, and they are so deep you can sink your teeth right into them. You’re getting close to how this foot feels.

On top of that, my Bipolar Disorder has reared it’s head. It didn’t occur to me last week, when I was a cheery and getting lots and lots done, that I was in a manic phase. I just wanted to think I was happy. Well, I obviously wasn’t, because the Black Dog has its paws wrapped around me in a vice like grip. I was managing to tell it to shush and be a good doggy when I was with people, or chatting on line, but tonight it broke free.

To be clear, I don’t think I’m unlucky, or that I have an awful life. I am so grateful for everyone I have who, for whatever reason, love or like me. I have a home, food, clothes, luxuries like the Internet and my iPad. I have healthcare, and some health. I could have a far worse disability or illness. I do thank my lucky stars, for all the good things I have, and all the bad things I don’t. So what I said wasn’t for my benefit…

I sent a tweet in which I said I thought I should let the infection take over, finish me off, and then my lovely, wonderful parents could have their freedom. And I meant it. It wasn’t a cry for attention or help, it wasn’t that I wanted my ego massaged and to be told how great I am, it was, is, what I felt/feel is best. My mum was sat in front of me, still wading through my dressing change, and I wanted better for her. I wanted her not to have to worry, not to sleep on mattresses by my hospital bed. I wanted she and my dad to go to bed at the same time, to travel and have fun together. Without a bandaged burden to consider.

But, for some reason, they won’t let me go. And I can’t go without their help.

So you’re all stuck with me for now.

I wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who sent kind and concerned tweets, who offered support and prayers (I might be a non-believer, but I do appreciate people taking the time and having hearts open enough to pray for me. I’m sending love and good wishes back to you). And though I don’t believe any of the nice things you said, and probably never will all the time I’m a Bipolar Bear, I feel incredibly lucky to have made such fabulous friends via Twitter.

I hope you all know how lovely your hearts and souls are.

With love and thanks
M xxxx

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The Curse of Lottery Winners

Today, the winners of the huge £161 million Euromillions lottery win made themselves known.

Like most people, if I had won, I wouldn’t have breathed a word to anyone but my nearest and dearest, but there have been comments that the couple were pressured into making their announcement. Some said they were told it would be “safer”, but I have no good sources to back that up. Personally, I can imagine they were pressured, but mainly because it benefits the consortium to show the public that “rags to riches” stories do actually happen. Then more people go to buy tickets, and the owners cash in even more.

(I do indulge in a Euromillions ticket now and then, so I’m not condemning buying them. Just the profiteers pressuring winners to make such a potentially unwise decision.)

I can’t say I’m not a bit envious. I can’t imagine ever spending that much money, but I can imagine helping all of my family and friends, my favourite charities…the list goes on. And, not so philanthropically, buying a house with a library, and having a walk-in wardrobe filled with Vivienne Westwood and original 1920s dresses…and a holiday apartment in Paris *sigh*. When it was announced that there was only one winner, and I knew it wasn’t me, I thought “lucky bugger!”, and hoped it would be someone nice. Not another cocaine snorting, obnoxious oaf, dripping in gold chains.

I was amazed by what people on Twitter were saying about the couple. It’s human nature to be envious (personally, I don’t think it’s a sin), and people will always make snarky comments. I’m hardly Snow White in those stakes! But I think there’s a line between being a bit bitchy, and being outright cruel. The winning couple are both big, overweight, whatever you want to say, and the husband obviously has mobility problems as he uses a walking stick. They said that they have both had serious health problems in past few years. It sounds about time that they had some luck!

There were a few minor bitchy comments. That isn’t what got my back up. There was some name calling, which I won’t repeat, but most was based around characters from Star Wars and Austin Powers. That started to rile me, but worse was to come. Tweets and Facebook statuses such as “f*cking fat f*cks. Kids are starving and they’ll spend millions on burgers”, “first thing they should do is get surgery so they don’t look so f*cking disgusting” and “if there [sic] to [sic] stupid not to eat so much, it’s a wonder they could fill out the ticket”, with retweets and ‘LOLZs’, really pissed me off.

I have recounted these tweets because people on my personal time seemed to think I was overreacting. Maybe I am, but I just cannot see how such comments are justifiable. Why does weight have to be such an issue? Not that they need a particular reason, but their severe ill health, and subsequent mobility problems might just have something to do with their size. You can’t very well exercise if you struggle to walk! Not all big people are so because they don’t stop eating! It wouldn’t be acceptable to bring race or religion in to it, and rightly so. And I do think, that given their health problems, there is a hint of disablism, conscious or not with some of the commenters.

All the couple have done is win a game of chance, which anyone could do. They’re not (as far as we know, at least) criminals, hate-mongers or anything unpleasant. Just two people who are happy to be able to help their family and friends, and being able to travel in a way that accommodates their health problems, having not been able to before.

Maybe it is just life, but I don’t see how body fascism is that far removed from racism and disablism. I would also say the same if the nastiness had been directed at people who were very thin. I’ve had family members suffer with anorexia, I’ve had family and friends abused for being “big”, and I’ve had friends abused for being thin (which apparently equals being vain, shallow, and whatever else!).

Maybe it has really riled me because I’ve been bullied because of jealousy. Not because I’m rich or beautiful (definitely neither of those!), but because I got “special treatment” i.e. being pushed in my wheelchair. I’ve also seen my loved ones to be attacked due to jealousy over their partners, their jobs, their clothes, even their fingernails! It hurt them, and I hated to see it.

Maybe, in fact probably, the couple don’t care what people say about them. I’m sure they are on Cloud 9 right now. But maybe it will hurt them; wealth doesn’t mean you suddenly stop feeling pain and humiliation. Look at these celebrities bleating to the media.

Earlier I said that we could say “that’s life” whenever someone is horrid. I didn’t mean that all horrible statements are equal in their offensiveness, as I’ve said above, but that we could dismiss all hatred, racism, sexism, homophobia and disablism as such. You get horrible people saying horrible things in life. It’s also life that people are living in poverty and dying of illness, but we rightly act against those things. Conservatism believes we are all inherently bad and need controlling. I believe the opposite, that we’re inherently good, even though we might naturally tend towards some negative traits like envy etc, most people do far more good than bad. I believe that only the goodness in people can spark change. I guess that’s why those tweets upset me so much.

I do not think that everyone in the world is a horrible sexist, racist, disablist, fascist person; I’ve been mean, and I’ve insulted people and bitched, when the recipient or target has done something wrong or hurt me or a loved one – not that I’m excusing it – but these people haven’t hurt anyone.

I’d love some of the ‘haters’ to say why they think they were so much more deserving. Maybe they’d like to say here….

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